Story Excerpt

[DAY 76 Wed 29 Jul 2037]

The next afternoon a rover ferried them from the underground colony to the far end of the launch facility. A battered looking ship resembling a silver and black space shuttle sat upright on a small landing pad. They were showed to an open air gantry elevator. As the elevator inched its way to the loading hatch, Neal spotted numerous metal patches with fresh rivets or welding scorch marks. Parts of the wings and fuselage appeared to have patches on top of patches. Neal looked at the two other passengers they would be flying with. Neither showed any concern about the fragile appearance of the shuttle.

When everyone was seated and the hatch sealed, he learned why. The men exuded a cloud of alcohol fumes. Both of them passed out during the pre-flight checklist.

There was a hiss of flame that sounded like it was directly below their feet. The hiss was followed by an explosive pop and then absolute silence.

From the cockpit came the sounds of switches and toggles being flipped off and then on again. “Not to worry. Temperamental fuel flow regulator. Just need to warm it up,” said their Russian pilot. He ignited the engine again with the same result. He turned his head and grinned at Neal. “Third time is charm, da?”

All the blood left Neal’s face and a cold sweat broke out on his forehead. He instinctively put his fingers to his mouth. Prevented from chewing on his fingernails by the suit gloves, he instead tightened and rechecked his seat straps.

The girl poked at Neal’s arm until he turned to look at her. She was stifling a giggle. “Blub-Blub says maybe Doctor Watkins won’t be so nervous if he puts on his headphones and watches a video.”

Neal barely had time to process the gibe when the engines lit with a loud whoosh. The sounds of hell fury roared beneath their feet as the co-pilot pushed the throttles to full. The entire ship rattled and clanged as it lifted off. Neal seized the arm rests and went through a breathing exercise. He mustered up a look of calm and said, “It’s ok. This is normal. We’re going to be fine.”

“This is like when Adventure Amy went to see the Moon people.” She leaned over and whispered, “Don’t worry. It has a happy ending.” She hummed the Adventure Amy theme song through liftoff to the main engine cutoff sequence.

Next time, I’m taking a sedative before launch too.

Shortly after they entered orbit, the pilot rotated the ship so the nose was pointing down at Mars. The red planet filled the cockpit windows. The lights of Zubrin Station below blinked in the wan afternoon light. The pilot said something in Russian to his co-pilot who laughed and gave him a thumbs up. The co-pilot turned to Neal and Violet and whispered, “When you hear us screaming, do what we do and pretend we’re about to crash.” He looked directly at Neal. “Or that we’re lifting off.”

Seconds later, the alarm klaxon sounded and red strobe lights illuminated the ship. A computerized female voice on a loop repeated, “Brace for impact.” The pilot and co-pilot held their hands in front of their faces and screamed in terror. Neal and Violet screamed as well.

The two drunken passengers woke up, looked around in confusion and saw everyone screaming so they screamed too. The co-pilot stopped screaming, turned off the alarms and lights, and said, “Good, now that you’re awake I can brief you on our flight.”

One of the drunken men replied, “We do this flight every month you assholes, we know what’s going to happen.” A moment later they were both passed out again.

While the pilot operated the ship, the co-pilot explained the flight plan to Neal and Violet. “We’re going to sit here for about forty minutes in a slow orbit around Mars. We’re waiting for Phobos to catch up to us. Then the captain will fire a short engine burst and we’ll synchronize our orbit with Phobos. Ten minutes later, we land. This is a non-smoking, non-vaping flight. There is no food or drink service on this flight. There is no lavatory. Thank you for flying Starships Unlimited. We hope you enjoy the rest of flight.” He then pointed at the two passed out passengers. “Can you reach over and close their helmet visors? I’m getting drunk off their breath.”

The remainder of the flight went smooth and with no further hijinks. The pilot touched down on the landing pad so softly that it took Neal by surprise when he told them to turn on their magnetic boots, unbuckle, and move to the crew hatch. As they were debarking, the pilot and co-pilot thanked them for participating in their practical joke.

Violet asked them, “Would you like to hear a joke from my friend Blub-Blub?”

“Let’s hear it.”

“What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for college?”

The co-pilot translated the joke into Russian to help the pilot understand. “What did he say, miss?”

“Bison.”

Both men laughed heartily. “That is good English joke. I will tell it to my friends,” the co-pilot said. He grabbed their luggage and led them through the umbilical to the station’s airlock.